So I've got this thesis thing. I imagine this seems normal to all you academic folk out there, but I've never dealt with a long-term project lie this before. The deadline is approaching in a most unfriendly fashion, and although I've got enough ego for several folks, I'm beginning to realize that I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm terrified of sending pages to my advisor because he's going to realize what a vapid hunk of crap they are, revoke my recommendation letter and get me kicked out of PhDland before I even get to go. Then of course they won't let me teach the summer course (and let's face it, that may be better for all involved). In a month and a half I'll be asking strangers if they want fries with that.
The funny thing is that I'm used to reading about how many academics have the whole 'what is the world discovers I'm a compete fraud?' complex, but for some reason, I didn't think I would get that. But now that there are more things riding on my performance, I see myself feeling exactly that.
I always thought the trick was never to give anyone the impression that I thought I was anything more than I am. That way no one would ever be surprised to realize that I don't know jack and I haven't read Foucault. I guess that plan didn't work out so well.
sigh. 7 hours is enough work on this beast today. I'm going home.