Monday, January 01, 2007

Memo Re: Wishes, Good. (On the Occasion of New Year (2007))

I'm confident that I am not the first to do so, but let me offer you a sincere and hearty dollop of Good Wishes for our upcoming new year. I herein disclose my hopes (A note must be made that the entirety of my hopes for you in the coming year are boundless and cannot be contained in simple blog form, or for that matter, within the conception of the human brain, my own included. The following is simply a very brief outline of the highlights):
  1. May you find the love of your life, whether embodied in:
    1. a new person you do not currently know but within the next twelve months is fated to cross your path,
    2. a boy/girl (and by that I mean a boy or girl of any age, not a "boy/girl" amalgamation. Unless you are into that kind of thing. Which is cool by me.) you've been darting furtive glances toward in the lunch hall or other suitable gathering arena (alternatively, giving eyes and then panicking in Dr. Scott's science exam is also acceptable),
    3. someone who you already are and have been close to
      1. If you are already convinced of your love for said person, I hope that you both mutually discover that previously you did not know love and only this year discover the true depths of your devotion and happiness together
      2. If you've been hanging out with this person but have been on the fence as to the L-word (love, not lesbians. Unless you are into that kind of thing. Which is very cool by me.), I hope that you discover within your partner a heretofore unnoticed germ of love that blossoms much like the dandelion - uncontrollable and all over your yard. Also, like dandelions, I hope that your partner turns your chin yellow when rubbed up against it, and that you try this. Often.
    4. Yourself. Included as a legal catch all for all you do not wish to find love in others in the coming year. Which is cool by me.
  2. That your friends are friendly, in all that entails
    1. If you have no friends, may you get one or some. In case you feel you don't want any, I'm sorry, I still hope you get some, because, come on.
  3. That you find success and fulfillment in your profession/studies
    1. May your theses/articles/dissertations/monographs/furious densely-printed diatribes to the editors at the New York Times/ultimatums flow bounteously from the fecund well of your mind to the page and/or word processing software of your choice, and be received with respect and success, and in the case of the ultimatums, trembling fear.
      1. I also hope that you avoid the imagery of the 'fecund well,' because it sounds kind of gross
    2. May you achieve beyond the expectations of your supervisors and yourself. Especially if your supervisors have the authority to grant juicy bonuses and/or promotions.
    3. May you find the work that you do is not a 'drag.'
      1. Unless your work involves cross-dressing. Which is cool by me. Hey, we've all been there.
      2. If you are willing and happy to trade a 'drag' job for oodles of cash/access to the corridors of power/free meals/lobbying junkets, then I wish that you work as little as possible and order the tortellini. I hear it's delicious.
    4. May you find personal growth and intellectual stimulation in your work.
    5. May the people you work with/for not be assholes.
      1. This goes double for the self-employed
    6. If you currently have no job:
      1. May you get a good one
    7. If you don't want a job:
      1. I append to my wish that you find the love of your life that said love of your life be disgustingly rich and happy to let you laze around the house all day claiming that you'll finish that novel one day, you swear.
      2. That you've got a bitchin' RV to live in next to the beach and a restaurant that throws out perfectly good half-eaten entrees. Oh, and that they give spaghetti dinners to lovable cartoon dogs.
As mentioned above, this in no ways encompasses the totality of my wishes to you, dear reader, for the upcoming year. In fact, I could probably narrow it down quite a bit. Let's try:

I hope that you will be well and not get hurt. Unless you are both into that. Which is cool by me.

4 comments:

liz said...

Thank you. I nearly wet my pants laughing.

mendi-la said...

best wishes back to you - ;P

jayfish said...

yeah, right back at ya!

...if that's cool.

Dear Lovey Heart said...

"fecund well"... oh goodness i need to work that into daily conversation somehow

happy new year!