The CNN Newsworthiness Scale

This was on my mind when I woke up this morning, so I present to you:
The CNN newsworthiness scale:

1. Larry King needs more airtime
2. Missing Woman
1. Plus if she'’s rich, white and pretty
2. Minus if she'’s one of the uncounted Juarez missing brown women
3. Calling her an '‘honor student'’ makes it more tragic.
4. Extra plus if it leads to legal action (See #3)
3. Lawsuits
1. Plus for a famous person
1. '‘famous'’ can be interpreted very liberally
2. Extra plus if person has fans that can be expected to picket or conduct candle-light vigils
3. Minus if famous person is being tried for war crimes in foreign lands (see #5)
2. Minus for complicated cases involving difficult or confusing laws
1. This can be overcome with superficial simplification if the person is famous enough.
3. Plus for any case that allows for interviews of '‘legal experts' or '‘royal watchers'’
4. Baby crisis
1. Plus for trapped in well/hole
2. Plus for visible (filmable) medical condition
1. Plus if the condition is a little gross
2. Minus if it'’s too gross
3. Minus if the disease is difficult to understand
3. Parents
1. Plus for photogenic
2. Plus for folksy accent
3. Plus for heroic single parent
4. Minus for other single parent
5. International incident
1. Plus if things blow up
2. Plus if reporters get to wear flak jackets or helmets
3. Plus if Americans involved
4. Plus if Americans captured, injured or killed
5. Plus if foreigners can be painted as '‘quaint'’
1. British royals
2. Cubans turning cars into boats to sail to Florida
6. Plus if foreigners can be painted as cruel/illogical/strange
1. Caning kid who keyed a bunch of cars
2. Japanese salaryman as a robot
3. Anything about Africa (note -– All stories about Africa must fall in this category)
7. Plus if can be explained as terrorist or anti-terrorist activity
8. Minus if story only involves foreigners
9. Minus if it involves complicated, long standing international situations
10. Minus if story involves too many people who don't speak English
1. Plus for sexy accent
   
6. Politics
1. Plus if presentable as a binary argument by two genial but diametrically opposed figureheads
2. Plus if involves sex
3. Plus if can be explained by 'partisan'’ or '‘bipartisan'’
4. Plus if allows for a split screen of three or more heads talking at once
5. Minus if requires complicated nuanced understanding of issues
7. Science
1. Plus if tech can lead directly to:
1. Cure for male sexual problems
2. Cure for '‘incurable'’ disease
3. Cars
4. Faster/smaller computers/cell phones
2. Minus if requires knowledge of math or science