Thursday, December 22, 2005

'X' Stands For The Cross

There is a great danger lurking in these United States today. It's a danger that some have noted, but few have acted upon, and it's high time we begin to move against it. I'm talking, of course about the current state of Christmas. Christmas is under attack, not only by those of other faiths, but of the faithless as well. Because of this, I thought I should write an entry explaining the Christian-ness of Christmas.
The very nature of Christmas itself is in danger of being altered from the perfect and correct. Looking at the word itself, 'Christmas,' we see what the holiday is about: The Mass of Christ. Now, don't worry, it's not a mass like a Catholic thing, you don't have to go to church or anything. It's a mass in that we celebrate the birth of Christ. Now, Christmas isn't exactly on the birthday of Christ, as near as we can tell, but the day fits well into the calendar, so it's staying.
We celebrate this great man of modesty and propriety by buying gifts for friends and family. We celebrate the nobility of giving by giving to people meaningful things, like gift baskets from Bed Bath and Beyond, and sweaters. It wouldn't be the same if we were to give, say, food, shelter, or, heaven forbid, education to those truly in need, because they are probably in Africa somewhere, and they probably aren't Christian anyway, and if they were, it would probably just be pretend Christian so they could get food. Don't be fooled!
The big trouble is that when you go to buy your gifts, some of the people who work at malls are saying 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas.' Now, I understand that there are other 'holidays' out there, but we are shopping for Christmas presents, so it's insulting for them to not tell me to have a 'Merry Christmas.' And the Christmas season begins right after Halloween and goes right up until about January 15th, so there's no excuse there. And why would you call it a 'Holiday Sale,' if you put the red and green iPod cover on sale? Red and Green? Those are Christmas colors! Also, for those who aren't American, it's 'Merry Christmas,' not 'Happy Christmas.' That's just another import from those vile Harry Potter books. Learn to speak English, for cripe's sake.
We put these gifts under a tree that we've decorated with lights. It's not like the Jewish do, with their candelabra-thingie, there's a silly idea with nothing meaningful behind it - That whole hanaka thing is probably just so they can get more presents. Those people who say that the tree is an old pagan symbol are just wrong, wrong, wrong! The Christmas tree is Christian to be sure, because it's called a Christmas tree, and there's an angel on top of it. Or sometimes there's a star. As long as you call it a Christmas tree and have a star or an angel, you can put whatever else you want on it. All the cute snowmen, sleds, cartoon characters and candy canes - that's all good for a Christian Christmas tree, because the angel or star makes them Christian. Be careful about the Disney ornaments though, because Disney supports the left-wing homosexual agenda, and no angel or star can change that.
Finally, the most important part of Christmas, especially for the kids, is Santa Claus. Now some people might say that Santa Claus was a Catholic saint, but he's Christian, too! Other people might tell you that the North Pole, elves, cookies and milk, chimneys, and all that aren't supported in the bible, but just remember, it's the idea of giving that's Christian, so a big fat guy in a red suit flying around in a giant sled pulled by magical reindeer, sneaking into your house and eating your food is all ok, as long as he gives you presents. See? If you think about it that way, it's all Christian!
Oh, I should mention that elves are complicated. Santa's elves are good, but the elves in Harry Potter and the Lord of the Ring are all perversions of nature. If you aren't sure if an elf is good or bad, you will have to ask your pastor. Don't worry, you don't actually have to go to church - you can probably just email him.

So now you know. Defend Christmas! Go out and drink your eggnog (you can put a little punch in it, if you know what I mean), and sing all your songs about maid's a-milking, Rudolph and Chipmunks - They're all Christian, because they're Christmas songs!

No offense intended to Christians (of Catholic or other persuasions), Jews, Atheists, Agnostics, Disney, people who listen to iPods in Red and Green cases, Santa, the British, Elves (in general and of the Tolkien and Rowling versions), maids, reindeer, or chipmunks. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

1 comment:

mendi-la said...

ah, you've left a smile on my face - how did i miss this one!