Cable What Network?

I'm here to help.

I don't watch nearly as much TV as I used to, but seeing CNN for the past couple of days, I realize that they need my help. It seems that they're forgotten about the whole 'news' part of their name, so I figured that they may be unclear about what is 'news' and what isn't. The biggest problem I realize is to fill all 24 of those hours every day, but the answer is not to batter a non-news (but cheap) story for hours or days beyond it's expiration date.

• First off, the easiest way to find out if something is or isn't news is to watch Larry King Live (I don't actually recommend that anyone actually watch Larry King Live, it's just as good to check his guest list). The key is that if something or someone is a topic on Larry King Live, then it is not news. This would clean up a huge swath of CNN programming.
  
• CNN is not a local newscast and should not try to be one. So this means that a car chase in LA is not news. On the other hand, an Amber Alert in Virginia is news, because it could impact many people, and broad dissemination is helpful in finding the people. See how that works, CNN?
  
• On a related note, Nancy Grace needs to be shuttled off to Court TV. CNN does not need to deal with every salacious court case in the US. If the case has national implications, sure, cover it briefly and give updates, but for crying out loud can we ditch the angry adversarial lawyers yelling at each other about whether or not the public defender should have worn the red tie instead of the blue?
  
• Celebrity news: Axe it. We do not need to know if Jennifer is all broken up about her ex's new love. That's the job of E! television. Oscars, or other more meaningful entertainment news - sure cover it briefly and move on.
• McDonald's new coffee? c'mon now.

They just announced a special investigative report on bedbugs. I kid you not.