The Futile Four

Well, I knew the fish would out me on this one.

I saw the Fantastic Four at a matinee (not full price, but I bought M&Ms, so it all evens out).

Now first, let me make sure this is really clear up front. This is a really really bad movie. I’m serious. The writing is marginal, the plot is help together with duct tape and a basement full of children clapping because they think it will save tinkerbell. The characters are thinner than the paper on which their alter egos are printed.

The special effects are… I’m not sure if I can put this well. Let’s just say that if you are going to spend a lot of money making a film that involves characters who are able to perform superhuman feats, we can safely assume that it’s pretty important that they look… ok. I’m not even hoping for believability here. I don’t expect to be wondering how they did it. I’ll supply a healthy dose of suspension of disbelief, but hey, you’ve got to meet me half way, here.

The only superpower that looked remotely good was the one you can’t see! That’s a bad sign. Oh, yeah, and I think something better than orange Styrofoam would be a good thing for the Thing – just one man’s opinion. The Human Torch effects were less repulsive, but I didn’t really like how they tried to make his body visible through the flames. I mean, do we need to see his hair? I know that seems pretty petty, but it bothered me a bit. As for Mr. Fantastic, well, when he stretched, it looked like some kind of fan art from our very interwebs. Bad. Bad. Bad.

Oh, yeah one more thing to knock. Can we as a nation decide here and now that we will not put actors who cannot do a respectable accent into roles that require it? Dr. Doom wasn’t as bad as Robin Hood, but the oddly sort of British accent (all evil folks have to be European, right?) wove in and out of scenes like Billy Joel trying to drive a straight line (I really like Billy Joel's music, but maybe it's time for a driver). Better yet, don't even try the accent. To recap: Ben Kingsley – sure, go for it. Kevin Costner – no, please, no.

Ok. All that said, I liked it. 5/10

Here’s the key, again. Really low expectations. The trailer alone for this movie let me know it wasn’t going to be anything great. All I wanted to see was superheroes flying around beating each other up and the occasional explosion. I actually do enjoy seeing some of my childhood comic book heroes being put on the screen, even when they’re in a bad movie. I’m pretty much the target audience for this film, I guess. I feel bad that this movie gets the same amount of my money that better films get, but I got a couple hours’ worth of fun, so I’m not complaining.

Or maybe I’m justifying paying to see such dreck.