On The Couch

I think part of the reason for my lack of posts lately is more than simply the fact that I don’t sit in front of the computer 7 hours out of every day like I did at Old U. I think it’s something a little more fundamental. I imagine it’s not odd or unexpected that a switch to a bigger and more ‘important’ university would lead to stress, anxiety and self-questioning. I generally hate doing or being thought of as doing what is expected, but there you have it – I’m having a bit of an stress crisis.

Part of it comes from simple insecurity. The main seminar I’m in right now is on a topic that I don’t consider strictly in my realm of study, but I’m wondering more and more if it isn’t dealing with a lot of topics that I need to be able to manipulate well. Add to that the fact that the class I’m TAing now (and will be for the foreseeable future) is one that I feel more than a little bit uncomfortable teaching, and it all adds up to me feeling that I’m not doing what I want to be doing, and I don’t feel particularly effective doing what I’m doing.

So. I’m buried in work about things that I believe are important but not particularly interesting or as rewarding as I would like, and worried that this is what the next 5 years (perhaps the entire academic career?) will be like.

All this makes me feel sluggish. I’m not running as much as I used to. I’m sleeping more than I should. I feel like my brain is set on slow. I sometimes struggle to force myself to read through a page of words that swim around the page only to realize that I didn’t really understand any of it and have to start again. I'm pretty lazy to begin with, but now it seems to be getting worse.

As an optimist against all reason, I should say that I’m glad I’m in the seminar, and I am getting a lot out of it. I’m glad I’m TAing the difficult class for a lot of reasons. I really do think things will come out all right, even though I couldn’t tell you how. I just hope that I’ll be able to find something to re-inspire me – something challenging but that I know I can do, and do well.

I’ve got a pile of grading I don’t want to do, several chapters left to read (at least they’re in English), and a response paper to write, but I think I’m going to put on my running clothes and see if that convinces me to get out the door and run.

Edited to add: Because of the Blogger outage, I didn't post this right after I wrote it, but I did get out and do a long run. It felt pretty good.

8.88mi - 1:05'55"

A Question of Qontent

See, here's the thing. I don't sit in front of a computer all day anymore. At Old U, I came in early, dumped all my bags and books and such in my office and wondered off to class. Between and after classes, I'd go back to the office and read, study, or... umm... well, blog.

And that's the thing. Finding time and opportunity to blog is a bit harder here at New U. I don't intend on stopping the blogging (and who knows, maybe the lyrics quizzes may pop back up from time to time), but it's going to take awhile for me to get into a new groove.

So, for now, let's see what I can put into bullets.

• Seminar OF DOOM is still kicking my tush. I'm feeling very underprepared in the theory department, but hey, that's one of the reasons I'm taking the seminar, right? I am however reading faster and better in the really hard language though, and that's clearly thanks tot he fact that I have to - 'natch. I'm still going to bitch about it though.
  
• I'm better at some things than others, and I think I may be enjoying that a little too much.
• I had to be videotaped TAing the class today. It was pretty disruptive. I don't think it's a good idea to bring a huge tripod-mounted video camera (VHS? are we breaking into brand new 80s tech?) into a class that needs a very secure and mistake-friendly environment. The cameraman looks bored. Maybe I should have asked him a few questions. In any case I think it went ok, but I'm not looking forward to reviewing the tape with the whole 'Who wants to be a TA?' seminar.
• I'm eating way too much and exercising not enough.

In closing, I present a scene from the theatre of the absurd as performed outside the student union-ish building.

[White Christian Proselytizer Dude stands in front of a table that is covered in pamphlets. He sees Asian-Looking Gal approaching. He dives behind his table and frantically shuffles through his pamphlets as ALG draws near. ALG passes near the table. WCPD jumps in front of her and thrusts a pamphlet covered in Korean characters under her nose.]

WCPD: [Victoriously] IS THIS YOUR LANGUAGE?

[ALG, after recovering well from a near cardiac arrest, applies a stare that could kill. WCPD watches ALG stride angrily away. WCPD sadly returns to his post dejected but undaunted, and awaits his next victim]

fin